Category Archives: honesty

The Art of Making an Apology

This was too good not to repost. Here in full with a few light edits.
by Tatu (via fetlife)

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People are people and whenever they encounter one another,
occasionally they do something that perhaps injures. I’m not talking about physical injury, but words or actions that injure or alienate another. Someone says or does something that harms or offends.

Now one would think that this is basic preschool stuff that we should
have learned from our parents at home, but there are those who
obviously never learned “The Art of Making an Apology”. I say “Art”
because if not done so in a way that communicates and touches the soul
and somehow breathes a new and more positive energy; we will come away
feeling like we totally wasted our time with this person.  It is an art to listen and live beyond the pain.

Now I have to say I have heard a lot of “nambie pampie” excuses for an
apology in my years. Given I spent the 1st 20 or so years of my
professional career involved in relationship, marriage and family
counseling; and the last 15 expanding it into the legal services
business; trust me I think I have probably heard just about
everything; from dealing with the angry child or the rebellious
teenager, to the cheating spouse; and even interviewing the child
molester in jail for a case about to go to trial.

The online world has generated a minefield of potential relationship catastrophes due to the ease of not being in the actual presence of real human being, and the relative perceived anonymity of sitting behind a keyboard looking at an electronic screen. I mean like who’s gonna care, really? They’ll get over it, right?

What happens is that it is relatively easy for people shoot their
mouths off in an instant without engaging hardly any brain cells. It’s
sort of like the illustration of how there is only enough blood in a
man’s body to supply his brain . That’s why when a man gets that testosterone pumping his head drops, his brow lowers. Picture the Neanderthal here.

Same thing happens on line, especially for the males. They get that
testosterone pumping and they start typing. Before you know it they
are popping out all kinds of discourteous verbal abuse to the nearest
bystander or in some cases the object of their focused attacks. They
will puff their chest out and show the world how great they are by
attacking and putting down someone. Their tools are vile language,
ridicule, harassment, baiting comments and / or pointing out how
stupid you are for that typo and how you are just not “real” as they are.

They are people who have such a low self-esteem that they feel it
necessary to try to pull others down to their level in order to make
themselves feel as good as someone else, or they are egotistical
assholes bent on being heralded as superior to others, condemning you
to their holocaust of inferior beings.

Now with our western society having too few tools in the areas of
politeness, common courtesy, and respect; this means all hell can
break out in an instant in the online forum; or even in a local real
time community.

Sometimes however a real person steps forward and realizes they were having a bad day and see immediately that they need to make things right. Occasionally one comes to understand that they have a real problem with an issue and need to address it with counseling. He or she has left a path of destruction and chaos in their way. People have been hurt, and not always simply the person you directly abused in some way. Either way they know they need to rectify the situation and make amends.

The Honest Desire to Rectify the Situation

Before any reconciliation or healing can ever occur, one must come to
the realization that they truly did something wrong and desire to do
something to make things right.

Honesty with Self

The next thing I would say is for an apology to have the result one
truly hopes for, you must be absolutely honest about what it is you
did. To figure this out you must take some time to think about what
happened; perhaps put yourself in the other person’s shoes; see and
feel what it is you did to them. They are hurt, offended by what you
did, you need to find out and understand why?

In fact however you may come away at this point unable to fully grasp
why this person is so upset with you, or has withdrawn their
friendship and is acting in a very distant manner. You just know it’s
there, and you know something is not right. You may have a little
idea, but don’t assume. One of the best principles in life I have ever
discovered is “never assume”. Assuming anything at this point is not
what you want to do. Be transparent enough, that you
can honestly see what is. There could be some other issue at play that
you have not considered; be open.

Yet it is a positive thing to simply realize you messed up and you
need to make it right.

Communicate Openly and Honestly with the Person

So when you go to that person, it is vitally important to limit your
comments and simply listen.

Ask the person for a special time to talk. Face to face, eyeball to
eyeball is best, but in the online world that is not always possible.
If it is give them a call and ask to meet over coffee one day.

If you are close enough to share on the phone; that would be 2nd best.
I cannot stress enough the fact that you need to hear their voice; and
they need to hear yours.

So you might start off emailing this person and asking them if perhaps
you could call them and ask what would be a convenient time, that you
want to make things right.

Once you have come together what do you say?

I would suggest that you tell them that you have come to the
realization that what you did was wrong and if possible you want to
make it right.

Describe the situation that occurred simply and honestly.

NO EXCUSES.

If you start making excuses, your apology is worthless. You have to
truly take ownership for what you did. If you start trying to shift
blame in any manner whatsoever, it’s never going to be resolved. You
are just making a bigger ass out of yourself.

To shift blame is communicating, that you are not really sorry; you
just want it to all go away. You don’t want to suffer any
embarrassment for what you did.

So I recommend that you say something like this:

If you deceived someone, consider saying something like this:

“I lied to you the other day when I said (such and such); I know it is
wrong to deceive you. I won’t do it again. I am asking that you please
forgive me.”

Here are some other examples:

“What I did the other day, ridiculing you and calling you names, was not appropriate; what I did was not polite or courteous. I’m sorry.

For the person with anger of verbal abuse issue, perhaps you should
say something like this:

“I was very rude to you the other day when I said (such and such); I
was very wrong for saying what I said. It was rude and verbally
abusive. I’m going to see a counselor about dealing with my anger issues. ”

LISTEN

Next you need to listen. They may need to say some things you weren’t
expecting to hear. Don’t let it throw you. If your heart is honestly
in a place for reconciliation; your response should not be excuses,
but to include whatever in your apology.

You may need to ask:

“What do I need to do to make this right”? …and be willing to act accordingly.

Now, if you are the one who offended another, after you have made an honest apology, there is nothing you can do about this. It is up to the person who you offended to offer their forgiveness.

They may tell you to go take a hike. If that is the case and you have
done what you should have done in making an honest apology with no
excuses. It is no longer your problem, but theirs. If you however
attempted to cloak your apology with excuses or shifting the blame.
Then you deserve to be told to go take a hike.

In society when someone commits a crime, they are adjudicated guilty and they have to pay some price for their crime. It might be a fine or it might be time in jail.

When you harm someone in a human relationship, there can also
potentially be a price to pay. Alienation is probably what it will
come to. That person will not want to be around you and unless you are
a complete sociopath you will find it very uncomfortable being around
them.

Understand that your victim does not have to forgive you. As we said earlier, if you come to them with a bunch of bullshit excuses, they will know you are not truly sorry. Excuses only communicate that you

are ego filled that you want to shift the blame and want the situation
to go away so you don’t have to suffer the true humiliation of an
honest introspective look within.

They could tell you to go take a hike, and sign you out of their lives
if they want to. You cannot control their response.

So when one truly forgives a debt, there is nothing else to pay. If
the offended party says they forgive you, but then dish out all kinds
of crap in revenge, they have not truly given forgiveness.

FORGIVE

When one comes to you honestly asking for forgiveness, no excuses, no
justifications, no shifting the blame; and you grant them forgiveness;
that is the end of it.

So what happens if you don’t forgive them? One asks forgiveness, but the other says hell no! They live on in misery, month after month, year after year. Then one day the offended says “I have decided to forgive you. You know what the they will likely say? “Forgive me? I don’t need your forgiveness, you have put me through hell for the past 5 years.”

You know what, they are right. They are not in need of your
forgiveness anymore. They already did hard time.

It is true, however, that a relationship may be irreparably scarred.
It is possible to forgive, heal and for the relationship to continue and
grow and be okay. It is also possible that the harmed partner / spouse
may forgive you, but is not willing to move forward with the
relationship any more, or it may take some time and counseling until
they feel they can trust you again. This is honest reality.

A Public Apology

This is the part that is going to separate the truly sorry from the
pretenders, because it is going to involve humility before others.

If you involved others in your offensive act(s), then you need to make
that apology public. If you verbally abused someone, lied, ridiculed,
stirred up a rumor, anything in an online forum or in any public
manner, then you need to apologize not only to the person you directly
hurt, but post an apology to the group. The community needs to know
all is ok, so they can relax, breathe and know the negatives
have been removed.

So a public apology would go something like this:

“The other day I said (this and that) about Billy. What I
said was not true, and how I said it was rude and discourteous. That
was wrong of me. I personally apologized to Billy yesterday and he was
kind enough to offer his forgiveness for what I did; so I hope those
of you that witnessed my lack of courtesy will find it in
your hearts to forgive me as well.”

No excuses, no shifting the blame; just the facts and apologize.

Conclusion

I wish for more for our world. It begins one on one, honest communication, asking for and offering forgiveness; resolve in your heart to make things right.

Personal House Rules

I think often we have unspoken rules about how we want to conduct our lives. It can be confusing for someone to automatically know that -you-should-take-your-shoes-off-when-you-come-inside-the-door.  Then when the person doesn’t quickly act in the way we are expecting, we are confronted with a choice. We  let the new person know the expectations directly or we sadly can  stay silent and be upset that they didn’t do it right.

This is the same thing that we do with the rules of self, we expect  that everyone will know how to we want to live our lives, what works and what doesn’t, how to treat us, what our boundaries are, and the very best way to show us love. This is mind reading  at its best. It is all so obvious to us.

I have a saying that I use with clients a lot “If it is obvious, then you need to say it out loud.” We are so accustomed to our own mind and beliefs that it seems a given, but if it is that ingrained within us that means it is pretty important. Hence, saying our ideas, expectations, and  boundaries out loud not only makes sense but also creates a much more open dynamic.

The approach of letting others know what your personal house are allows everyone to have a framework of interaction. You get to avoid a lot of the messy parts of stepping on each other’s toes.  Everyone decides if the structure is workable and provides an understanding of the boundaries. It sound so simple but that is exactly what we so often miss, stating that which seems like a default to our own system.

I really love the idea of putting your house rules out for everyone to see  (physically like photo above or state directly). Consider wearing your expectations with a badge of honor that you want others to know about from the start. Be proud of who you are and what you want from yourself and others!

The Beauty of Not Knowing

There seems to be a lot of pressure on knowing  in our culture.  One somehow has to have it all figured out and already 100% knowledgable about everything. This is so perplexing. Why would you want to have nothing left to learn? Wouldn’t it be terribly boring if you had nothing to challenge you, push you, or help you grow?

Sure there are instances where having as much knowledge as possible is best for a given situation. However, the general expectation that a person should know every word in the dictionary, have read every book already, or remember be up on every current detail, seems a bit much.

What is wrong with not knowing? What about the sheer pleasure of learning, exploring, or discovering something new? We love that scientists are curious and interested in creating that which has never conceived of previously, yet when it is the rest of us a negative slant appears.

Imagine  you are having a conversation and someone responds to something you say with, “Oh I haven’t heard about that. ” And then follows with various questions about the topic. Do you really consider someone who is interested in learning dumb, stupid, or foolish? The answer of course is … most likely you would enjoy that the person was eager to hear what you had to say and wanted to understand. Then why would you be so concerned if you did the same thing?

Most of us enjoy sharing information when asked and rarely negatively judge another for asking for more information.  The critical self talk actually strangles our ability to do the very thing we are hoping we are projecting (wanting to already know). How are you ever going to learn it if you claim you already know it all already?

You know what it is like when you can sense that someone is pretending to know what you are talking about when they obviously do not.  You wonder why they are pretending. You wonder why they are so afraid to ask or not know. It is in that moment that the  negative judgement of the person often arises. Again the very thing we often fear, happens only when we pretend to already know it all.

There is so much to be gained by asking questions, not knowing, and allowing others to teach you.  It can be a beautiful thing to share the connection of expanding your knowledge in the presence of another person. Be brave and admit to someone today that you don’t know and feel proud of yourself for doing so!

Sick System Identification

 

Often times  people who have experienced trauma and/or abuse get into predictable patterns.  After trauma the mind has to find a way to “become okay” with what has happened otherwise it will just shut down. Hence,the brain will  select, edit, and delete ideas and emotions as necessary to move forward.  From this perspective, it becomes clearer that they will associate interactions with other people in a similar way that they did during the negative experiences.  The mind wires together in a way that creates a system of unhealthy actions and response together with love and care. It is as if the mind got confused along the way (which it did typically based on the abusive situation) and started thinking that being in an interaction that is chaotic and/or manipulative is the way affection is shown.  The how and why this pattern was created makes sense _and_ being able to identify its parts is a crucial part to changing towards healthy dynamics.

There are many therapeutic approaches to working to shift these patterns, but I haven’t often seen a discussion of this within regular conversation. Issendai has thoughtfully expressed how the trauma mind-set can create relationships that are unhealthy. She puts a concrete perspective on what the attributes are that contribute to what she calls a _sick system_.  In reading her thoughts, I would ask you to remember that a person can both create these dynamics directly or respond to them..   One can see they have been in relationships where they were treated in a negatively manipulative way and/or understand they tend to create elements of this pattern in their life.  The point is to look at the patterns and work to shift them into something that is stronger and healthier.

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Sick Systems by Issendai

So you want to keep your lover or your employee close. Bound to you, even. You have a few options. You could be the best lover they’ve ever had, kind, charming, thoughtful, competent, witty, and a tiger in bed. You could be the best workplace they’ve ever had, with challenging work, rewards for talent, initiative, and professional development, an excellent work/life balance, and good pay. But both of those options demand a lot from you. Besides, your lover (or employee) will stay only as long as they want to under those systems, and you want to keep them even when they doesn’t want to stay. How do you pin them to your side, irrevocably and permanently.
You create a sick system.

A sick system has four basic rules:

Rule 1: Keep them too busy to think. Thinking is dangerous. If people can stop and think about their situation logically, they might realize how crazy things are.

Rule 2: Keep them tired. Exhaustion is the perfect defense against any good thinking that might slip through. Fixing the system requires change, and change requires effort, and effort requires energy that just isn’t there. No energy, and your lover’s dangerous epiphany is converted into nothing but a couple of boring fights.

This is also a corollary to keeping them too busy to think. Of course you can’t turn off anyone’s thought processes completely—but you can keep them too tired to do any original thinking. The decision center in the brain tires out just like a muscle, and when it’s exhausted, people start making certain predictable types of logic mistakes. Found a system based on those mistakes, and you’re golden.

Rule 3: Keep them emotionally involved. Make them love you if you can, or if you’re a company, foster a company culture of extreme loyalty. Otherwise, tie their success to yours, so if you do well, they do well, and if you fail, they fail. If you’re working in an industry where failure isn’t a possibility (the government, utilities), establish a status system where workers do better or worse based on seniority.

Also note that if you set up a system in which personal loyalty and devotion are proof of your lover’s worthiness as a person, you can make people love you. Or at least think they love you. In fact, any combination of intermittent rewards plus too much exhaustion to consider other alternatives will induce people to think they love you, even if they hate you as well.

Rule 4: Reward intermittently. Intermittent gratification is the most addictive kind there is. If you know the lever will always produce a pellet, you’ll push it only as often as you need a pellet. If you know it never produces a pellet, you’ll stop pushing. But if the lever sometimes produces a pellet and sometimes doesn’t, you’ll keep pushing forever, even if you have more than enough pellets (because what if there’s a dry run and you have no pellets at all?). It’s the motivation behind gambling, collectible cards, most video games, the Internet itself, and relationships with crazy people.

How do you do all this? It’s incredibly easy:

Keep the crises rolling. Incompetence is a great way to do this: If the office system routinely works badly or the controlling partner routinely makes major mistakes, you’re guaranteed ongoing crises. Poor money management works well, too. So does being in an industry where the clients are guaranteed to be volatile and flaky, or preferring friends who are themselves in perpetual crisis. You can also institutionalize regular crises: Workers in the Sea Org, the elite wing of Scientology, must exceed the previous week’s production every single week or face serious penalties. Because this is impossible, it guarantees regular crises as the deadline approaches.

Regular crises perform two functions: They keep people too busy to think, and they provide intermittent reinforcement. After all, sometimes you win—and when you’ve mostly lost, a taste of success is addictive.

But why wouldn’t people eventually realize that the crises are a permanent state of affairs? Because you’ve explained them away with an explanation that gives them hope.

Things will be better when… I get a new job. I’m mean to you now because I’m so stressed, but I’m sure that will go away when I’m not working at this awful place.

The production schedule is crazy because the client is nuts. We just need to get through this cycle, then we’ll have a new client, and they’ll be much better.

She has a bad temper because she just started with a new therapist. She’ll be better when she settles in.

Now, the first person isn’t actually looking for a job. (They’re too stressed to fill out applications.) The second industry always has another crazy client, because all the clients are crazy. (Or better yet, because the company is set up to destroy the workflow and make the client look crazy.) The third person has been with her “new” therapist for a year. (But not for three years! Or five!) But the explanation sounds plausible, and every now and then the person has a good day or a production cycle goes smoothly. Intermittent reinforcement + hope = “Someday it will always be like this.” Perpetual crises mean the person is too tired to notice that it has never been like this for long.

Keep real rewards distant. The rewards in “Things will be better when…” are usually nonrewards—things will go back to being what they should be when the magical thing happens. Real rewards—happiness, prosperity, career advancement, a new house, children—are far in the distance. They look like they’re on the schedule, but there’s nothing in the To Do column. For example, everything will be better when we move to our own house in the country… but there’s nothing in savings for the house, no plan to save, no house picked out, not even a region of the country settled upon. Or everything will be better when she gets a new job, but she’s not applying anywhere, she’s not checking the classifieds, she has no skills that would get her a new job, she has no concrete plans to learn skills, and she doesn’t know what type of new job she wants to take. Companies have a harder time holding out on rewards, but endlessly delayed raises and promotions, workplace upgrades that are talked about but never get enough budget, and training programs that are canceled for lack of money work well.

Establish one small semi-occasional success. This should be a daily task with a stake attached and a variable chance of success. For example, you need to take your meds at just the right time. Too early and you’re logy the next morning and late to work, too late and you’re insomniac and keep your partner up until you go to sleep, too anything and you develop nausea that interrupts your meal schedule and sets your precariously balanced blood sugar to swinging, sparking tantrums and weeping fits. It’s your partner’s job to get you to take your meds at just the right time. Each time she finds an ideal time, it becomes a point of contention—you’re always busy at that time, or you’re not at home, or you eat too early or too late so the ideal time shifts or vanishes entirely. But every so often you take your meds at just the right time and everything works perfectly, and then your partner gets a jolt of success and the hope that you’ve reached a turning point.

Chop up their time. Perpetually interrupt them with meetings, visits from supervisors, bells and whistles and time clocks and hourly deadlines. Or if you’re partners, be glued to them at the hip, demand their attention at short intervals throughout the day (and make it clear that they aren’t allowed to do the same with you), establish certain essential tasks that you won’t do and then demand that they do them for you, establish certain essential tasks that they aren’t allowed to do for themselves and demand that they rely on you to do it for them (and then do it slowly or badly or on your own schedule). Make sure they have barely enough time to manage both the crisis of the moment and the task of the moment; and if you can’t tire them out physically, drain them emotionally.

Enmesh your success with theirs. Company towns are great at this. Everything, from the workers’ personal social standing to the selection of groceries at the store, depends upon how well they do their jobs and how well the company as a whole is doing. Less enveloping companies try to tie their workers’ self-perceptions in with the public’s perception of their brand. People do it by entangling their successes and failures with their partners’, even when they shouldn’t be entangled. A full-grown adult should be able to take his meds without his partner’s help, and there’s only so much anyone can do to make someone eat at the right time and swallow their pills, but he still puts the responsibility for managing his meds squarely on her shoulders. The classic maneuver is to blame all your bad moods on your partner: If they weren’t so _______ or if they did ______ right, you wouldn’t be so stressed/angry/foul-tempered.

Keep everything on the edge. Make sure there’s never quite enough money, or time, or goods, or status, or anything else people might want. Insufficiency makes sick systems self-perpetuating, because if there’s never enough ______ to fix the system, and never enough time to think of a better solution, everyone has to work on all six cylinders just to keep the system from collapsing.

All of these things work together to make a workplace or a  relationship addictive. You’re run off your feet putting out fires and keeping things going, your own world will collapse if you stop, and every so often you succeed for a moment and create something bigger than yourself. Things will get better soon. You can’t stop believing that. If you stop believing, you won’t be able to go on, and you can’t not go on because everything you have and everything you are is tied into making this thing work. You can’t see any way out because there are always all these things stopping you, and you could try this thing but that would take time and money, and you don’t have either, and you’ve been told that you’ll get both eventually when that other thing happens, and pushing won’t make that thing happen so it’s better to keep your head down and wait. After a while the stress and panic feel normal, so when you’re not riding the edge, you feel twitchy because you know that the lull doesn’t mean things are better, it means you’re not aware yet of what’s going wrong. And the system or the partner always, always obliges with a new crisis.

Eventually you’re so crazy that you can’t interact with anyone who isn’t equally crazy. Normal people have either fled, or told you once too often that you’re being stupid and you need to leave. So now you’ve lost all your reality checks. You’re surrounded by people who also live in the crazy and can’t see a way out. You spend your time telling one another that it’s too bad, but that’s how it is, there’s no fixing it, and everything will get better when ______ happens. If anyone does get a little better and says, “Hey, guys, this is crazy, we can all stop now,” they’ve become a stuck cog in the machine. They quickly realize that there’s nothing they can do, and they pull out, leaving you alone with your crazy friends.

Finally you think it’s ordinary.

You fantasize about being suicidal enough to kill yourself. But that’s not all that bad, because you don’t think that way all the time, and you’re not actually trying to kill yourself. You just wish something would come along and make you dead.

One day you hit rock bottom. Maybe you want so badly to die that stepping out of the sick system looks like a good way to commit suicide, or maybe you’re so depressed that you no longer care. Maybe you catch on before then, and realize, as you’re standing there with the pill in your hand and your partner too busy on WoW to swallow it, that this is crazier than crazy and it’s time to make it stop. Maybe the system makes a mistake, and you look at the pattern of people who got promotions and realize that you will never, never qualify for your promised promotion.

Or maybe a door opens, and something magical happens. The position you’ve dreamed of opens up. The school you want to go to offers a new scholarship for people just like you—and the person who runs the scholarship tells you confidentially that with your qualifications, you’re a shoo-in. Your granduncle dies and leaves you $100,000. You can have exactly what you want—if you walk away from the system you’re enmeshed in.

If you step away, two things happen, one after the other:

PANIC! HORROR! THE SKY IS FALLING! I’VE LOST EVERYTHING I EVER HAD AND I’LL NEVER GET IT BACK AGAIN! There’s not enough stress, something is wrong, something horrible is happening and I’m not there stopping it, oh god what is my ex-boyfriend doing and can I save him from a safe distance? I’m responsible! I have to call the office and make sure they’re okay! I have to make sure everything I left was okay, because it would all fall down without me and now I’m not there and it’s falling down and all those innocent people are being hurt and I have to stop it!

…I feel so much better now.

It’s all gone, like someone stopped pounding me in the head with a hammer. I didn’t even know the hammer was there. Why did I let someone pound me in a hammer all that time? What in hell was I thinking? Why did I think any of that made sense?

Once you’re out of the system, it makes no sense at all. None of the carrots they dangled before you mean anything, and you start to truly comprehend just how much stress you were under. You see things you never would have believed while you were in the system. And the relief is greater than you ever could have imagined while you were enmeshed.

From Impostor Syndrome to Authenticity

Apparently just about every conference in the universe needs to be held back to back weekends in April. Okay, I’m obviously exggerating! However,  doing three  presentations on differing topics, for vastly opposite audiences, in numerous locations can make me a bit anxious and dramatic.

This isn’t anything new. We all experience a variety of emotions when we are to present in front of others. It can be a conference, a meeting, or friendly group but the nerves are similar in large part to a reaction to our self worth and the expectation of others.

I’m not a person that gets stage fright. However, I do experience some features of impostor syndrome.  Don’t know what that is? I’ll break it down for you, basically the person feels like a fraud. The individual is fearful that they are fooling themselves and others into believing they are as strong in an area, when they really are not.  Apply self doubt to a work situation and you got the making of some awesome Wizard-of-Ozness… pull back the curtain and boom all is revealed.

Everyone I know begins to experience insecurity before they present. It is natural to wonder if you are going to explain things correctly, be interesting, or well received. We are social creatures and we want to be thought of positively. However, much we tell ourselves that everyone experiences fears of being judged we cant’ seem to shake the notion that it is just us.

And this fact is normal as well. We project all sorts of qualities and defeciets on to other people. We generalize and categorize others on a daily basis. It is a requirement for humans to judge safety. Hence, it is also natural to be concerned that others will think of us as unworthy.

We get stuck in a spiral of feeling  inferior, incompetence, and fearful.  What are we to do in these situations? I have the answer… although I admit you probably won’t like it. For that matter, I don’t like the answer it. But the truth still remains… the best way to deal with these feelings is to acknowledge them as real, put them into context, and express them.

Yeah, I know.  It is so much easier with our illusions of control that we just have a step by step approach to conquering all. Yet, that is kind of the point. This isnt’ about conquering. It is about being authentic with yourself.  If you know you are scared… don’t push it away. Realize that you are having the emotion, understand that it is natural and normal and understandable that you have these feelings, and then share them. It really is the last one that gets at us..isn’t it?

Why would we share the exact thing we are fearful that people will find out about us?  Well, first off you take away the power the situation holds by pretending. You acknowledge the truth and it will set you free… or some such saying states.  And then when you allow yourself to normalize the situation you come to a contextual understanding of how common the feelings are… and again the power that fear holds over you begins to diminish. Finally, when you express to someone else what is really going on, you and others start to realize how to support one another rather than pretend.

We all know that we get scared but why don’t we talk about it? We are afraid we will appear weak or judged yet if the emotion is really no big deal like we pretend then it wouldn’t be a problem to mention it. Ah, logic is sound but emotions are tricky. Wouldn’t you rather just be who you are and be honest about what is going on? Wouldn’t you rather a world around you that didn’t pretend but instead acknowledged human nature as it really is?

I know that I’m nervous about if I’m going to present well at conferences. I know that people are going to judge me, my ideas, and my style. I know this is natural and I know that I want to live an authentic life rather than pretend. So that means I might mess up, people may dislike me, and that is just part of the process. However, it also means I might do really well and people may enjoy what I have to say. There is a wide variety of options but beyond all else I know that I’m not a fraud because I’m direct about who I am. With that comes a strong sense of self and what more could any one of us ask for in such situations?

So you are welcome to join me at the next convention where I’ll be presenting twice at SINSation in Leather in Chicago on April 2nd and 3rd.

Speak Your Truth

A friend of mine recently stopped me in my tracks by making an important point. She explained that while she was  learning to share her thoughts and feelings with other people… that she was finding it was difficult to speak her truth to herself.

I took a long deep breath.  It is amazing when you can express yourself to others, but what about unflinching self honesty?  We are usually so outwardly focused with what others in our life will think or feel in response to what we share. We are fearful others will judge us (read: leave us in some way) and we don’t want that reality. We often tailor much of we say as a way to manage others. As we come to understand we can handle ourselves and the reactions of others , we find a new ability to interact in authentic ways. That is however, about dealing with ourselves in regards to others.

What about being able to do the same with your feelings about yourself? We spend a lot of energy trying to “not be” a certain way. There is a tremendous amount of effort put into changing who we are but what if all that pushing isn’t getting us where we want to be? What if it is so negative focused?

It can be a really rough proposition to sit with the reality that you might really be a brilliant sometimes,  that it is possible that sometimes you really are beautifully creative, and even more dramatic is that sometimes you really and truly might be an amazingly great person.  When we have those thoughts and feelings, we often create a defense to them… even if that defense is to think we are “always” something negative.

Not wanting to see the good is just as harmful as not wanting to see the areas we need to strengthen.  Hence, if you are ready to speak the truth … allow yourself the time to have your thoughts and feelings where you do not judge them as negative or positive.  They simply are what they are right now. Sometimes they are more and sometimes they are less. There is rarely an absolute in regards to ideas and emotions. We are complex creatures and things move and shift.

It is okay to acknowledge that you are “sometimes” all sorts of things. It is a part of you, not all of you, and to embrace that truth and share it with yourself. I assure you it can help you in all directions.

There is a “sometimes” in just about every context… just like “sometimes” you can allow yourself to be honest with yourself… even if it might include sometimes accepting the positive things about yourself too!