Chris Fisher usually talks about funny stuff… and his sarcastic approach makes me smirk.
Yet sometimes… when you aren’t looking… he will write some really powerful words of wisdom.
I wanted to share some of his work because I found it inspiring.
adrift and very unsure of my own thoughts, possible paths,
options that are presenting themselves, in some cases quite
some words lately, touched me, a lot more than expected. how
much suppression had really been going on within me? but more
importantly should they matter as much, those words. i’m fully
aware that i want things from other people that are often simply
too much for them, too much to give, too much to share, too much
to risk, on ME. this doesn’t inhibit my wants or requirements in
still lacking a solid foundation leaves me feeling completely and
totally unworthy of the attentions that get directed in my way.
yet as said above, my lust for them doesn’t fade. how do i trust
another when my own self trust is so very low. oh, there are of
course things i won’t do, a growing list of them it seems. yet
my attention can be so transient, so fickle.
lately i find myself missing a certain period of my life, where
there was a solid foundation, not for that reason, but for the
other things that were around. yet now with the hindsight one
gains from experience and age i can see how thin the veneer
was, the blankets being used to comfort, warm, my internal
cold emotional disposition. i was extremely present. was so
very available, to quite a few people.
yet there was a level of disconnection. that barrier has been
shattered within me. the problem is, after spending nearly an
entire life with these
barriers up, the deconstruction of them has left me wanting.
not just a usual amount, but like a child, who has discovered
a new favourite person, food, joy, laugh, moment. i want so
very much more of it and can’t honestly understand why i
should settle for less.
so here i sit wanting it all from someone else, ready to give
it all back. it’s just i’m so very clumsy at this engagement.
i’ve done so many years of together, many years of alone now,
and my preference is definitely towards the former.
realizing of course that not everyone else is at this point
is hard for me. or may ever be at this point. but i’m tired of
pretending i want less. this is my ONE life, and simply, this
is one area i refuse to compromise in, ever, again.