Schnarch’s ideas on adult differentiation are often used in our therapy sessions to help clients handle the anxiety of partner’s pressuring with a differing point of view. This most recent book also brings forth the newly structured Differentiation Scale published first in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. The scale is also implemented in session as a measure of couple’s ability to tolerate discomfort for growth’s sake.

You can read a brief excerpt of the December 2011 review on the Highbeam Research site.

As usual, if you are interested in the full review you can contact me and I’d be happy to send you a copy.

Recently Penelope wrote a recent post about how she and her partner got into a physical argument   (possibly triggering, read with care and awareness).  She talks openly about the ideas and concerns that many go through right after such situations. It was confusing, scary, and in part she wants to go and in part she wants to stay in her relationship. Figuring out what is what in those moments is very difficult. There is nothing easy about the choice to stay or leave and weighing all the different variables.

After the incident of violence, Penelope got a lot of people who responded to her blog post. This is to be expected. She is rather high-profile, she can debate logically, and is prolific by nature. Readers expressed a wide range of emotions  to the traumatic event: horror, disbelief, anger, frustrations, care, fear, anger, sympathy, and confusion just to name a few. Penelope  then experienced a  phenomenon that I have heard many times before, she was verbally attacked because she considers staying with her partner even after there was violence.

So even after all the pain, she is then treated poorly by others because she shared her range of emotions and thoughts. She too went through numerous ideas and feelings about the whole situation.  This is all understandable and normal behavior for anyone that has experienced a traumatic event, there is confusion and multiple emotions that can easily appear to contradict one another.  Penelope responded to those that attacked her in a recent blog post, it is tough to read and she makes points I have often considered. 

I provide all of this as a backdrop for my own perspective on Penelope’s recent violent interactions.  I do not know Penelope, I have only read her various blogs throughout the years. I don’t know the details of what goes on with her and her partner. I can not assess the people involved or situation directly. Everything I know is what you or anyone else would know from reading her own words.  This by nature means that what is provided is the account of one person’s understanding of the events. Hence, making a fair and rational judgement call on all parts of the complex situation is near impossible. At best, it is ill-advised to make assumptions in any direction.

One doesn’t have to have a philosophical or moral stance one way or the other about what to do after an act of relationship violence.  However, it does make sense to b there  for someone in a time of tremendous hardship. Right?  Does it really make sense to judge, belittle, yell at,  or shame someone after they have experienced trauma?

Shaming someone won’t change their mind. It just teaches them to not reach out.

Just give some thought to if  attacking another is really warranted after someone has just been through trauma. If you are upset about the situation, afraid of what it means to others, or what it even means about you, or even want to help change occur, then explain it. However, attacking a person while they are suffering make little sense. It is cruel and doesn’t provoke change Hence providing a safe, comfortable, and non-critical ear can be one of the best things you can do!

Now to my point, beyond all the details, facts, or perspective…it is nearly impossible for me to understand how  or why others would want to be mean, harsh, or shame another person after such an experience? Research clearly indicates (see: Brene Brown) that blame and shame do not activate change.  Rather it is emotional vulnerability that  brings about change and connection. How does someone get to the point where they think that yelling at another person after a traumatic event will help? Maybe they aren’t thinking. Maybe taking a few breaths and re-centering on what their goal is in that moment would be more helpful?

I’m not here to dictate morality. I am here though to bring alternative view points. And no matter what you think or don’t think about Penelope or anyone else in violent situations, I would encourage you to act with compassion and tenderness towards anyone that has suffered. If at any moment you forget, try to remember for one instance what it was like to be in such fear and pain and what it was like when someone made you feel even worse. Yep, now you got it.

Yet there is another piece that is more like a Boundaries 201 course. It has nothing to do with anyone else or your interactions with them. It is about you. Because what happens when you have made the changes with others? What about the moment when you have managed to shift patterns and keep company with those that respect your boundaries? It all sounds easy enough. You just live your life happily without a care in the world because everyone around you is so supportive of your growth.

Sure. That is how it works. (Sarcasm intended).

Instead we often find ourselves struggling internally to listen to our own needs. It is as if unless things are in dire conditions we don’t see the need to set boundaries. It is one thing to find that wonderful strength to tell another that they have crossed a line. It is a whole different animal when you are confronted with the knowledge that no one has done anything wrong. You simply are beginning to become aware of your own needs to be a healthier person.

Here, let me give you an example that I hear a great deal. It is about people who are kind, caring, and generous. They take the wonderful steps of setting boundaries and are no longer being taken advantage of by others. However, they feel guilt, fear, and later anger about stating things they want and need in their life. For instance, a person does a great deal for family, friends, coworkers and people they don’t know– it gets to be a bit overwhelming. This is not because anyone has done anything wrong, but because the individual has taken on too much.

The signals are there telling them that they need to slow down, not commit to any more activities, or get some alone time to refresh. But the person doesn’t say anything. They keep these feelings to themselves and just suffers through becoming more exhausted and frustrated. This of course is because we are all human and need down time for ourselves to regroup.

So you have a person that can set boundaries under duress but can’t follow through on setting boundaries to take care of themselves in a supportive environment. Why is this? Well, mostly because it is about believing that you are worth something beyond just what you do for others. It also is about realizing that you matter to yourself and that beyond all the anxiety and past patterns that you are still creating a similar situation. This round of integration is at a  deeper level and it does need to be addressed. And as most of us know… if this issue is left unattended it results in burn out and/or resentment. Not really the outcome one is looking for in the whole self-growth model.

What do you then when  you realize you are needing to set a positive boundary and are afraid? In some ways it is similar to what you do when you are learning to set boundaries in negative situations: you muster up the courage (which is based on feeling the fear and doing it anyway) and say the words and take the actions to begin the change. But that can be the easy part.

The difficult part is trusting yourself that you are worthy of treating yourself with the same kindness you do to others.  When you say out loud to your partner “I need some me time.” and you are terrified they will react negatively, manipulate you, or use it against you later… and they say in return “okay. sounds good.” with a smile on their face.  You realize that you did it… but you are still concerned about the consequences. Are you really worth enough that the person will be fine with the reality that you are more than just caring for them? You are still questioning and working to shift this pattern.

It requires tremendous fortitude to acknowledge your own needs and wants around people who will support you. The change can be scary even if it is healthy all around. Still, when you are unsure of yourself in these situations, you can directly state your fears

“I’m afraid if I ask for space you will get upset”

and when the person responds positively and you are still worried later you can ask for support

“I’m still nervous that you are upset that I took some me time, are you?”

and when the person responds positively and the anxiety still persists …

you remind yourself over and over that trust in yourself and those around you is created by consistency over time.  This process of growth can be difficult at times.  However, when you treat yourself well, you will see the positive results. It isn’t easy at first, but just like you learned to set boundaries in the negative you too will learn how to set boundaries in the positive!

It was not a good day physically or emotionally. And then things started to shift ever so slightly. I was able to keep water down. I could  keep up with a conversation. I was able to say “Yes, I am feeling better, as I’m not puking multiple times a day.”  I really meant it. It was just then that I realized that I had been taking my health for granted (something obviously the vet techs already knew). We all do it, but in that moment the clarity was apparent.  I had been really sick, my body needed to rest, and finally after listening to it… I was getting better.

Sitting there being able to think clearly again was an achievement. I was excited by the possibility of going outside again. Being able to sweep up in the kitchen was possible and I was able to realize how much my body does for me on a minute to minute basis.  It was sore still but it wasn’t fighting me (or perhaps better said — I wasn’t fighting it) anymore… it was on the mend.

We all know what it is like to feel sick and then to feel better. We are aware of how it ruins our plans, makes us grumpy, and feels terrible. However, there is something powerful that happens when for brief moment  we can be mindful of how awesome our bodies are for keeping us going.  There is a level of respect for our body that we don’t tend to grant because we are on autopilot.  Our bodies just “do” and so there isn’t much thought.

However, when we can reflect on the strength and goodness that we experience on a regular basis, we are able to tap into something important. We don’t have to wait until our bodies are hurting to pay attention to how much they do for us. We have the ability and the choice to take conscious effort towards being aware of the mind-body integration.

You can start small by just taking a moment right now to breathe in and breathe out slowly. Think and feel how your breathing directly impacts your life, mood, and energy levels. It may seem little but this ability to honor your body is part of being aware of your whole system.  You don’t have to wait till some part is struggling to pay attention. You can shift the perspective to a positive, healthy, strength based approach. This way all parts of you get a chance to have the focus they deserve.

Here let me give an example… I’ll say that I enjoy playing games. This is true. I _do_ like playing board games. However, the reality is that what I like about game play is the interactions of those around me. So, yes I do like playing games, but it is rarely about the game itself. Rather it is the dynamics of the individuals involved that are playing the game that holds my attention.  This is true and real and the complexity of it all comes together to provide a larger context.  Does it mean that I don’t like playing games for the sake of the game? No, I do enjoy specific games. However, I tend to enjoy specific games because of the way it involves the players in differing ways. Does this mean that I lying when I say I enjoy game play? No, but it does mean that I’m not sharing the full depth of what I mean when I share this information. It is a verbal shorthand of sorts. I’m describing something that is true about me within reality but it is not nuanced. One can see how even with something as simple as this, it can become confusing.

Beyond the philosophical debate of these ideas, I will ask you to consider how we tend to do this very thing with emotions. For example, we might state that  we are “angry” with another person. We expect them to just understand and then act accordingly to fix whatever is wrong. Neither of these things usually happens, and then we react even more strongly in the irrational  hope that more anger will explain the details. Again, this approach rarely provides us with the outcome we desire.

Instead if we are to consider the fuller spectrum of what we are trying to share, it might just help us in what we are seeking out from another. There is something that being angry means to us. It could mean that we are seeking to connect and don’t know how, we want attention and so we create something that isn’t real but feels truly upsetting (i.e. being lonely). Or perhaps a true boundary of ours has been crossed and we really want to make it known. Maybe someone or something that has no real connection has had an impact and we need a way to express our frustration. Sometimes we really and truly are unsure as to what is making us so upset. These are just a few possibilities for what could be going on when someone uses the shorthand of emotional expression.

It would be wonderful if we could all just easily explain what is real and true to each one of us. Life would be so much easier if we understood ourselves so quickly and deeply that when we rattle off “the obvious” that it made sense to everyone else. However, we have unconscious and conscious motives… many of which we don’t always want to share with others. Hence, the process of what is really true and truly real becomes almost a game of cat and mouse.

So what happens next? Ah, this question I do have an answer to… the best answer …is to ask questions. It is just as circular as the idea of reality and truth within the realm of feelings. Feelings are not facts but often times appear as such. This is to say, that it is a fact that you are experiencing an emotion, however that emotional response does not necessarily represent reality in full.  It can be difficult for anyone of us to sort out what is what. One of the best ways to go about this learning process is to query yourself  and others.

When you consider your personal values and what actions you want to take when you are at your best-most-centered (some say rational) self, what choices would you make?

If you were to give advice to a loved one, what would you say to them about the situation?

In the past, when you were unsure of your feelings or of those around you how were able to figure out what was the best option?

When you consider the possible outcomes what responses lead to what most directly reaches your goals?

Notice that most of these questions are about thoughts and actions. This is because emotional responses can shift around people, moods, and situations. It is totally possible to have emotions swing around from one end to the other. And yet our goals and our actions often reflect our deeper sense of personal convictions.

You may be confused about what is real or true within emotions but I encourage you to ask questions of yourself and others in an attempt to locate what is centered and sturdy over time. How do you want to act, how do you want others to remember your actions, and what principles do you want to live by? These kinds of questions will take you to the heart of your emotional responses and get you back on track when you are feeling lost.

What is truth or reality after all? In my opinion, it is a steady continual reflection of who we are from the past, present and future. You are  a complex matter of intricate data points: feelings, thoughts, and actions combined together to create your ethical framework.  It is really and truly wonderful process!

Now, this isn’t a post about how you are supposed to be happy and jump around when you are feeling like crap. I promise! However, this is a post about how you should find at least one thing to smile about even when you are super unhappy. I won’t go into all the science (you have the internet, you can look it up yourself) behind it. The basics are when you repeat negative messages over and over again… it becomes easier for your brain to respond with terrible thoughts than with positive ones.  This is essentially what is going on when you are depressed (same thing can happen with anxiety). Your brain wants to go to the miserable places rather than hang out at the joyous ones. (what fires together wires together).

Hence if you want a quick way to keep depression at a distance, you just need to allow your brain multiple different ways of interpreting information. This is kind of the idea that is set into motion when you learn a new language as a way of keeping your brain active to strengthen against Alzheimer’s. You begin to look for an opposite or alternative way of processing the daily grind of grumpy thoughts and emotional responses.

An example for this would be when your morning has already turned into a hellish adventure. You take a moment to realize that November 11th 2011 looks kind of neat as 11-11-11. Then you decide that it would be pretty cool (or geeky depending on how you look at it noticed it was 11:11 am on 11-11-11. Then you decide that you will text a friend and let them know about this grand idea. Then you decide to celebrate this 11-11-11 at 11:11 by both doing a dance even though you live in different time zones.   It sounds simple, it is simple. One thought leads to another and leads to actions and leads to positive emotional responses. Before you know it, not only are you dancing but you are smiling and BOOM depression is defeated for another day.

I’m being rather elemental with all this, but you get the idea. In the moment it takes to use the emotional energy to repeat the negative cycle you can decide to do something different. Maybe you aren’t ready to do the 11 dance (it is rather advanced). But maybe you are ready to consider shifting the continued pattern of sadness into a lighter version. Changing the thoughts from “I’m miserable and life is horrible” to “I’m pretty unhappy and I just haven’t found a way to get out of this slump YET!” See the change? That one little word at the end leaves open the possibility for a different approach, mindset, and emotional response.

Becoming happier doesn’t require some big overhaul of your life to begin nor does it require you stop being you. What it does require is the three-second effort of shifting perception to incorporate a new idea. I think no matter how upset, ticked off, or all around curmudgeonly a person you are… you can get this approach to work for you!

Each takes a detailed look at how private information can be most  efficiently and painlessly gathered. The goals often in therapy and onsite hack are to gain rapport, uncover information, and provide a plan for a stronger secure foundation . Both are interested in the details of human interaction and helping people create a clearer path in reaching their goals.

Some of the basics that these individuals use from a psychological perspective can be found on Social Engineering website.  Also, I briefly talked about SE in a previous post which speaks to lessons that can be learned in life from an SE perspective.

If you are curious to learn more, you can listen to the podcast No Hype NLP for Social Engineers. Enjoy learning how to hack the human operating system!

A term was coined for the concept of creating a product to become inoperable after a specific time period: “planned obsolescence.” The idea took hold and the 1950′s spawned a new generation of goods under a time constraint.  The demand for an item is inherent when the product will stop working and new one is needed.  Hence, this provided marketers with an essential way to spur on sales with the illusion of a better product always right around the corner.

Everyday we are bombarded with notions to replace the poorly created goods we already have for other poorly created merchandise, without a second thought. There is always a newer product that will help take away the inconvenience of the one we already have that doesn’t appear to function properly. Is it any wonder that we have no idea how to have lasting relationships?

I’m not saying that marketing or even planned obsolescence is to blame for our inability to connect on a deeper level. However, the world we live in does influence us and if we continue to substitute one bad item for another, well you can see how a slippery slope can be created within your psychology.

If a person has a personality quirk, makes a mistake, gets sick, older, or even just says something we don’t like, it is pretty deeply ingrained in American culture to simply find another person. We even have relationship concepts for this like “starter marriage. ” But the problem I have with this replaceable notion of relationships is the same that I have with planned obsolescence: where is the personal responsibility of the individual to make sure they are really getting something better?

It is one thing if you end a relationship (for just about any reason) and learn from it, grow, and integrate changes which allow you to pursue someone of higher calibre. It is another thing (read: unhealthy) to ditch one relationship only to find yourself in the exact same dynamic you were in the last time it didn’t work. This is essentially planned obsolescence in relationships.

Individuals are not taking the time to put in quality emotional work into understanding themselves, research their own patterns, and then seek a relationship that reflects a higher level of integration. Instead, they just swap one bad relationship for another and then complain about it. This is a lament we hear daily if it is not about a piece of technology equipment it could easily be about someone’s romantic partner.

Want to avoid planned obsolescence within your relationship? Here is what you do, it is simple really, it just requires a bit of self honesty and effort. You decide that what you expect from yourself and a relationship is of more worth and higher quality than before. You make a conscious choice to examine who you are and what you want, then you look at ways to better strengthen yourself and interactions, and then you actually get to know someone and see over time if they meet your standards. Finally you decide to more fully invest within the relationship.

It is a process and not necessarily an easy one at that.  It is easy to fall for the shiny marketing of a quick new alternative relationship. However, I assure you that waiting for quality understanding within yourself and taking the time to learn more about the other person will allow for a much higher level of satisfaction and longer relationship lifespan.

And just for information sake, planned obsolescence still exists today often seen in examples likes printers, ipod batteries, and yes… still for light bulbs.

Did I mention, I find this whole process fascinating? There is so much psychology involved with the desire to find a bargain, looking at how the systemic nature of marketing impacts choice, and then of course the mind-set of the person that would go this extreme. Still, watching this from afar I realize that I’m simply speculating… until… recently.

I was out for a walk and came upon a garage sale. I immediately noticed that the items being sold appeared to be new household based and were organized rather precisely. It felt right away like this person was really orderly or maybe just maybe (I was beginning to get excited) into couponing!

The photo doesn’t really do justice to the level of detail that was put into the display of the items, but it at least gives you an idea. There was tons of stuff put into sections, row after row for easy viewing.

Of course, it had to be asked if the woman was a into using coupons. Her face instantly brightened and sure enough, she began to talk about the process. She spends about 20 hours a week couponing and has her own tips and secrets. She spoke about her personal stock pile and how the tv shows represent things a bit differently than the average person. When asked if she had any coupon friends, she explained that she hasn’t been able to find any people in the local area.  She was working on clipping and organizing ads while multitasking the garage sale and the conversation. We probably could have talked about the psychological details of couponing but somehow it felt like it would shift the emotional experience.

I left pondering why this felt like something special, as if I had stumbled upon a moment made just for me.

When you go about your life and you do what you always do, you don’t expect that a personal adventure could occur. It doesn’t even come into consciousness. You take your walk, feed the pets, make some dinner, clean up, watch a little tv, read a book, and go to bed. It really is the same old routine. We all need this day-to-day process for emotional structure. It is the down time our minds need as the basis of stability to deal with any unexpected problems that may come up.

And yet, we get so lost in the mundane we forget that something unique like an extreme coupon-er could be right around the corner on your walk.  Being open to unexpected excitement, beauty, or even confusion might just be the very thing that makes you smile. These tiny moments of pure bliss are something to be on the look out for. I’m asking you to consider that when you are open to a moment being transformed from ordinary into extraordinary, you have created an opportunity for personal joy to exist.

I certainly don’t expect everyone to secretly (not-so-secretly in my case) wish they could meet an extreme coupon-er and ask them lots of questions. However, each one of us has our idiosyncratic tendencies and they make us fascinating. This way we are interesting to one another! Hence, it matters when we take the time to indulge in the experience of momentary gratitude in experiencing something wonderful.  It is okay to bask in the absurd. It is in fact, it is the very existence of these quirks that make us giddy (I think fondly of Anderson Cooper taking pleasure in one pun after another, as a wonderful recent example).

This puts forth the idea that we should be on the look out for something to make us up-on-tip-toes-happy! It is crucial to be available to individually tailored magical moments occurring in our lives. Allow yourself to be silly, have preferences, be unusual, and giggle when you happen upon something you love!

Side note — if you want to learn a realistic way to be a coupon-er, check out this girl’s how-to video series!

Zero-day vulnerabilities, as the name suggests, are new vulnerabilities that have been just discovered.  As such, a zero-day vulnerability will have a period of high exploitability until they can analyzed.

Programmers often use terms to describe their work. A quick generalization might be like the word update: which in this context means to use the known, up-to-date, information within the program for release to others. Hacking or to hack often means technical adeptness and a delight in solving problems and overcoming limits. Patches usually refer to the idea of fixing an error in the software. These ideas are easily cross-applied to how one would deal with change within their life.

When considering change within yourself, zero-day vulnerability might be an important concept to use for better understanding your process. Let’s say that you are working on becoming a more emotionally direct person. You consider areas where you want to share more of your feelings with another person. You have assessed that doing so will bring you much more connection, intimacy, happiness, and all over more positivity for your life. You look at all of the areas that you could or could not share vulnerabilities and with whom you would want to share such details.  You choose your time and begin to disclose your feelings.

It is within that very moment that you are most likely to feel scared, nervous, afraid, and well… vulnerable. The other person can misunderstand, misdirect, misinterpret, dismiss, or even reject the very thing you are so carefully and cautiously expressing. There is a risk no matter how many precautions you have taken. Just like with creating new software there are always inherent areas that will be a bit raw. It is impossible to know exactly how the other person will respond.

What happens when you are pouring your heart out and sure enough – BAM! the other person reacts poorly. You have holes in your approach and your delivery method sucked. All you wanted to do was share your feelings and turns out you have huge emotional mess on your hands. You could just totally shut down and never venture forth with emotional expression again or you could consider what developers do when these things happen once they have produced something new. Dave Piscitello discusses the best method for dealing with these vulnerabilities as:

Make sure you have mechanisms in place that can allow you to take quick corrective action should you become aware of a Zero-day vulnerability. Prepare a plan to initiate recovery and restore systems to a known most up to date state and then reconfiguration.

This appears to be sound advice even in the personal change arena (hacking your own psychological process). When you come across this area that you are looking to shift, it makes sense to have a plan of action ready just in case it doesn’t work out as you had planned. Back to the example of sharing your emotions, if you find that it is unfolding in a way that isn’t as you had hoped you can easily do what developers do. You can begin to save the discussion by letting the person know that you are going to stop the conversation. Then you can explain that the discussion was not coming out as you had intended and that you need some time to regroup. You would then come back to your emotional center and find a secure place to talk about this subject (a patch for fixing the areas you are not secure within yet). You would still keep in place the higher level changes you have made in regards to sharing your emotions. However, you would take a bit more time to look at how you want to take a second pass at sharing the feelings.  Let the person know when you would like to try to share on the subject again and give it another go (updated software that you feel comfortable with others viewing).

Hence development of personal software is going to be vulnerable to hacks just like anything else.  The developer is in large part creating the program for the benefit of themselves. While they do care about feedback, changes, and problem areas… they are mostly sharing with the hope and expectation that they will enjoy the rewards from their work as the creation is coming from a desire to connect. In a sense they do it for themselves beyond whatever risk they take.  You as well, begin to make changes within your life because you want to benefits those changes bring about. You will feel vulnerable, you will experience problems, however the rewards you will obtain from the shifts you make in your life far outweigh the zero-day vulnerabilities.

And just in case you are not feeling comfortable enough to take the risk all on your own. You can seek out social-engineers to hunt down the vulnerabilities and help you strengthen your work. In other words, you can get into see a therapist who can help you hack your own system and make the changes necessary to reach your goals quickly and safely.