Room for Anger

Last week was tough for a number of clients. I got to thinking about how great it would be if Madison had an Anger Room (a safe place to express anger in multiple forms).  Navigating angry feelings can be confusing and when you have abuse in your past it can be even more difficult to know what to do. A place like the Anger Room provides an outlet for learning about different expressions.

One might think that we all experience anger so what is complex about the process? Many of us suppress it for fear that we will act out in a way similar to the abuse or abuser we experienced. It is a scary thing when one has spent their life being a good, caring, gentle person who wants to stay away from conflict and angry feelings. It almost seems logical to become someone who is on the opposite side of rage. However, because anger is a universal signal that something isn’t right, problems occur if we ignore or push it away. People that experienced abuse didn’t feel that they could express themselves properly (for whatever reason) and were also taught that it was not okay to have the feelings of anger. Hence, in many ways their system is taught that it isn’t safe to have a response of anger, even when it is a healthy reaction.

Any time we pretend that our emotions don’t exist or don’t honor them, they float back up in unpredictable ways. And this very thing is often what a person is trying to avoid by suppressing the emotion in the first place.  So what is a person to do if they are scared or unfamiliar with how to feel anger and express it?

One of the first things is to begin to identity when you think you might be having anger. You begin to be aware of when you feel angry and where it is in your body. This allows for grounding and a signal that you are accessing the situation beyond just a momentary reaction. Once you have basic identification of what you consider to be angry feelings, you can look at what the anger is about… the person/situation that is currently happening or a trigger to how you were treated in the past.  Once these beginning steps are in place, you can look at how to express the anger in a healthy way*.

People hold anger in different ways and that means that what works for one may not work for another in providing some relief from the intensity of the emotion. Some people need a strong physical outlet, others need to write, many need to express the anger with the person (in a safe way) verbally, and others might need a more creative way to share these feelings.

Anger isn’t a bad thing, it is an emotional response to learn and teach you about your system.  What is harmful is when you don’t allow yourself to express emotions in a healthy way. Your angry feelings are telling you to listen to yourself and look at the situation  around you. This is a powerful tool for the ability to set boundaries, create a plan, and act in a healthy way.

*Please seek help from a therapist if you need assistance with this process.

JSJ Therapy presenting at CARAS conference

It’s almost time for alternative sex therapists and researchers to get together and talk about big ideas in the field.

All are welcome to attend the upcoming CARAS Conference in Chicago on May 24th.  I’ll be presenting with Awen Therapy on the topic entitled :

Using the D/s Dynamic to Reach Therapeutic Goals In and Out of Session

This is such an important group of individuals who are looking to bridge the gap between therapy-research-and-community. This is going to be a great conference, join us!

Personal House Rules

I think often we have unspoken rules about how we want to conduct our lives. It can be confusing for someone to automatically know that -you-should-take-your-shoes-off-when-you-come-inside-the-door.  Then when the person doesn’t quickly act in the way we are expecting, we are confronted with a choice. We  let the new person know the expectations directly or we sadly can  stay silent and be upset that they didn’t do it right.

This is the same thing that we do with the rules of self, we expect  that everyone will know how to we want to live our lives, what works and what doesn’t, how to treat us, what our boundaries are, and the very best way to show us love. This is mind reading  at its best. It is all so obvious to us.

I have a saying that I use with clients a lot “If it is obvious, then you need to say it out loud.” We are so accustomed to our own mind and beliefs that it seems a given, but if it is that ingrained within us that means it is pretty important. Hence, saying our ideas, expectations, and  boundaries out loud not only makes sense but also creates a much more open dynamic.

The approach of letting others know what your personal house are allows everyone to have a framework of interaction. You get to avoid a lot of the messy parts of stepping on each other’s toes.  Everyone decides if the structure is workable and provides an understanding of the boundaries. It sound so simple but that is exactly what we so often miss, stating that which seems like a default to our own system.

I really love the idea of putting your house rules out for everyone to see  (physically like photo above or state directly). Consider wearing your expectations with a badge of honor that you want others to know about from the start. Be proud of who you are and what you want from yourself and others!

The Beauty of Not Knowing

There seems to be a lot of pressure on knowing  in our culture.  One somehow has to have it all figured out and already 100% knowledgable about everything. This is so perplexing. Why would you want to have nothing left to learn? Wouldn’t it be terribly boring if you had nothing to challenge you, push you, or help you grow?

Sure there are instances where having as much knowledge as possible is best for a given situation. However, the general expectation that a person should know every word in the dictionary, have read every book already, or remember be up on every current detail, seems a bit much.

What is wrong with not knowing? What about the sheer pleasure of learning, exploring, or discovering something new? We love that scientists are curious and interested in creating that which has never conceived of previously, yet when it is the rest of us a negative slant appears.

Imagine  you are having a conversation and someone responds to something you say with, “Oh I haven’t heard about that. ” And then follows with various questions about the topic. Do you really consider someone who is interested in learning dumb, stupid, or foolish? The answer of course is … most likely you would enjoy that the person was eager to hear what you had to say and wanted to understand. Then why would you be so concerned if you did the same thing?

Most of us enjoy sharing information when asked and rarely negatively judge another for asking for more information.  The critical self talk actually strangles our ability to do the very thing we are hoping we are projecting (wanting to already know). How are you ever going to learn it if you claim you already know it all already?

You know what it is like when you can sense that someone is pretending to know what you are talking about when they obviously do not.  You wonder why they are pretending. You wonder why they are so afraid to ask or not know. It is in that moment that the  negative judgement of the person often arises. Again the very thing we often fear, happens only when we pretend to already know it all.

There is so much to be gained by asking questions, not knowing, and allowing others to teach you.  It can be a beautiful thing to share the connection of expanding your knowledge in the presence of another person. Be brave and admit to someone today that you don’t know and feel proud of yourself for doing so!

Fifty Shade Of Grey

By now you have probably heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey. You know that BDSM romance novel a.k.a Twilight fan fiction a.k.a mommy porn? I figured you were probably aware of it, even if you haven’t read it yet. It has been on covers of magazines, TV shows, and of course all over the internet. Hence, people ask me, and ask me, and ask me, what I think about the book. Others seem very interested in my evaluation, so here it goes:

Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James is a book that needed to happen for this generation. I know this is really not what you want me to talk about… you really want to know what I think about the sex scenes. Do I think it is an abusive relationship? Do I find it believable?  Is this really what BDSM is like? Why would people be into this. Is it wrong if I was turned on by it? The list of questions (that no one ever seems to directly ask me but are always just right below the surface) goes on and on. Still, I gotta tell you… Fifty Shades of Grey matters because every so often a new work has to come along to push boundaries (yet again).

It is like we, as a society, kind of forget what intense sexuality can be like between people. Sure, it is there floating around in the back of our minds, but as a general concept; not something that one can identify with in fact or fiction.  Fifty Shades of Grey taps into that sweet spot of sexy romantic tension packaged in innocence and exploration. I think this is important and there are some other works that also can fall into this category including:  Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Story of O, Forever, The Beauty Series, The Kushels Series, and The Marketplace.

So, time to dive into a few of the questions (mentioned above) that seem to be coming up for people about Fifty Shade of Grey:

1. The sex scenes in Shades are to be expected for fiction of this kind.  Like most things, some people will think they are over-the-top, boring, not a turn on, or love the scenes and want to read more. This is pretty common for most people and this book will probably stir up some reaction in either direction for you.  This is a good thing! It gets you thinking about yourself and what you like and don’t. The dialogue of interests within the sexual realm is wonderful as an individual and with others.
2. I don’t find the relationship between Ana & Christian abusive. Abuse is NOT consent. Those involved in a power dynamic relationship at any and all times are able to have boundaries, say no when they are crossed, and have those boundaries respected by the other person. Abuse does not involve consent.  Many people find role-playing in the bedroom or outside as a way to express themselves. Consenting adults choosing to live in a way that makes them happy and healthy is a positive for any relationship.
3. The relationship isn’t really supposed to be believable, right? I mean it is fiction. It hits all the parts of our brain with archetypes and such. He is a bazillionaire and she is the innocent girl. It is a trope but that is okay, we want stories like this. They help take us away from the mundane parts of our lives, like doing laundry, and instead we can think about how it would be to live another’s life. The writing style fits for the Twilight 18-and-over fans. It strikes perfectly for what those readers are after. I don’t think that fan base is looking for reality in every detail, as fantasy is a creative outlet for many and taking pleasure in reading is beneficial on many levels for the mind and body.
4.  Maybe what people are really asking is does this book represent what BDSM/power dynamics relationships are like?  Well–yes and no. It is fiction after all, people tend to use very different words and pacing for their real life interactions with one another.  Yet, Shades does capture a sense of the emotions that can range within any relationship. The elements of  ”rough sex” and how the couple interacts with a more dominant and submissive approach could be what some BDSM relationships look like. I caution anyone within these relationships or looking to get into them, to not make a novel the end-all-be-all answer of sexual expression. I have heard many-a-story from people who read something about power dynamics and they thought it was the only way to express their sexuality. They felt bad about themselves and didn’t relate to others because they were certain they had some feelings about wanting to experiment but not the way it was in books. Hence, they missed out on years of exploration and only later came to realize when talking with others that they were not alone.
   A book is one moment in time, those relationships, those characters, their expression, and that story. So while many elements of the power dynamic relationship can be considered part of what people “do in BDSM” it isn’t the only version of such.  If you like certain sex scenes in the book but not others, do not worry, you are normal. We all have preferences!
5. People are into all sorts of things and a dominance or submissive relationship dynamic is just one of many. The bigger question of why it turns you on or why it doesn’t is something to look at more closely. You are welcome to find the sex scenes something that you like or dislike, but remember that judging others harshly for something that interests them feels bad. You remember what it feels like when others think of you negatively for something you enjoy. People are made in many different ways and if everyone is adult,  of sound mind, consenting, and enjoy themselves then being into BDSM or even just liking the sex scenes in Shades is positive.
6. This is part that it moves from being fiction to reality. What does it mean and what do you do if you liked the sex scenes? Well, in some ways it means that you just liked reading the book, in other ways it could mean that you want to explore these are any version of power dynamics. It doesn’t mean you are crazy, sick, or a bad person. It could mean that you like the fantasy and you want to read more. It might mean that you are turned on by the characters and not so much the sex scenes per say. Maybe it means that you want to read other books and or learn more about the topic in other forms. It also could mean that you want to possibly look into exploring elements with yourself or someone else. It all depends on you and your comfort level.It doesn’t mean you have to go out and find a partner to dominant or submit to right away. Nor does it mean that you have to lock yourself away for fear that you will hurt someone or let someone else hurt you. It just means the book stirred up thoughts and feelings within you and that it is a good thing to look at what they mean for you.

Many books of an erotic nature, along with Shades, have all had their detractors and supporters. People enjoy being titillated and challenged with fiction. It is a safe way for us to explore all kinds of ideas and even fantasies. The real problem starts if you judge yourself negatively for having these thoughts and feelings.

Remember that if you have questions or concerns, please do contact a sex-positive therapist to help you.

Learning how to accept yourself and your expression is one of the most positive things you can do to help yourself.

Mistakes

A client relayed a story of integration to me the other day:

One second she going about her day, the very next she was putting her cut finger under the water faucet. She felt the pain right away… but that wasn’t the part that got her. She was able to patch herself up quickly enough, however the negative thoughts  that followed were not as easily addressed.

Thought after  thoughts about her foolishness, distract-ability, and self-worth came tumbling through. From a mistake, the mindset was immediately about every inadequacy she had as a person. How is this even possible? It was an accident! These things happen. You live long enough, you run the numbers, and things are bound to occur.

She was caught in a very common negative thought pattern, where one small thing derails you and you end up feeling terrible about something small.  Here is the rest of her story about how she is working on changing that:

She stopped herself and remembered that she didn’t have to chase down every emotion or thought. She realized in the moment that the self-talk she was so willingly participating in was not something that was actually doing any good.  She took a deep breath and a few more for good measure. She felt her body center and came back to a more balanced state of mind. She had a choice… she could continue down this path of negativity or she could do something differently.

Notice that she didn’t have any expectation that she needed to feel or even think differently. She instead focused on what she could control right then and there. She stopped the autopilot of negativity, made the conscious choice not to attack herself further, and then went outside and took in the beauty of the clouds.

She still had that lingering feeling that somehow this represented all her worth (or lack there of). However, she also knew that logically this was not the case. Who she is as a person (her values, passions, and actions) is not based on a cut finger. It really makes no sense at all, however that is how old negative thought patterns work.  They just no longer fit in to what is going on within your life.

The client would like to say that she won’t have these feelings ever again, however that isn’t very realistic, and she knows it. Instead, she looks forward catching these negative thoughts faster, shift them more fully, and work to no longer have this pattern as her default when accidents happen.

The way it works is when you know better (the hurt finger is not a reflection of self-worth), you do better (stop the negative self-talk and do something centering/positive), you feel better (emotional responses will align more fully with the situation).  It isn’t easy to stop yourself and make the choice to do it differently, when in the moment you get little reward. You just want to not feel that way, but integration rarely hops-to in the way we want.  It takes work to change the patterns that are so well-worn. The payoff however is great and the effort is worth it!

You don’t have to be trapped in the same mind-set. Mistakes will happen it is about how to grow from the experience that makes all the difference.

UW – Whitewater Counseling Program Welcomes JSJ Therapy

University of Wisconsin -White Water Counseling program hosts JSJ Therapy and Awen Therapy in the class room.  Dr. Cindy Anderton, the rest of her department along with her students are interested in learning about Alternative Sexuality and how to work with these kinds of clients and topics.

We are thrilled to be guest lecturers this semester! The importance of providing information, insight, and inspiration to other potential therapists is crucial. I deeply believe in providing a safe knowledgable place for clients to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and relationships that have a basis within alternative sexual expression. I am eager and continue to help other therapists starting out or in the field to navigate the complexity of LGBTQIA, power dynamics, kink, bdsm, non-monogamy, and sacred sexuality .

The lecture we will be providing is on what Alternative Sexuality is, how to talk about these topics, knowing your boundaries, where to find information and support, and how to help these clients move forward in their lives in the most strength-based-sex-positive way. This is another step forward in my work with CARAS to help develop an alt-sex curriculum for Counseling Psyche Sex Therapy Classes.

If you happen to be on the UW-Whitewater campus today you are welcome to join us from 1-4pm. We look forward to continually working with the Whitewater Counseling Dept in the future.

Nature + Nurture + Choice

In therapy, there is a lot of talk about being a good or bad person. Intellectually, we know that such shallow judgement calls do not apply to a majority of us. We are intricate and complicated in our conscious and unconscious drives.  Our understanding of morality often feels internally objective and externally subjective. Scientific research continues to mirror the findings that reality shows us daily.

We can also be contradictory in what we believe for ourselves versus what we believe others should do. Yet, we still come back to an extreme dichotomy of expectation for good and bad. There is very little middle ground when we are proclaiming our ethics. However, when we begin to push upon these stark concepts in therapy, quickly it is discovered that what is really going on is a messy generalization of thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is normal for humans in current society.  We take all the data and crunch it down into bite size pieces so we can actually live rather than be immobilized.

Still, I hear over and over again about the guilt, shame, fear, and tremendous hardship that person has placed upon themselves. True, many of these personal scripts are based on experiences that were extremely unpleasant. The brain wants to flag things that don’t fit into a generic mold and the exceptions become the highlight reel in our brain as the rules to live by. Again, this is normal so that we can determine things with the whole flight or fight. Let us not forget that choice plays a large role in forming us as well. That pesky little thing that allows us to move and shift depending on our own needs and desires.

Everything becomes so confusing when we measure who we are based on any one of these factors alone. Look, I’ll say this directly– researchers don’t fully understand what makes us who we are. Understanding humanity is in its earliest form. Basically we have no idea really what it going on in detail. However, we do have a crudely drawn sketch. This vague look at the hows and whys we do what we do is enough to push each one of us into contemplating some serious questions about ourselves.

A wonderful example of this is based on a documentary I just recently watched  about Good and Evil.  Without giving it all away, as truly it is fascinating. We might have a genes, background, and even tendencies towards things that make things hard on us. It is still each one of us as individuals that can make the choice to live differently.  A person can be predisposed, have terrible experiences, and yet still make choices that will put them on a path towards positive growth. If one really must focus on a singular idea, that will make the largest impact, it is personal choice.  What we tell ourselves on a daily basis and the actions we take matter in how we create the relationships around us. Nature and nurture both matter and even beyond those factors, for the majority of us, we can choose to live a healthier stronger life.  The choice is really up to you.

Finding the answers

Clients want answers. I want answers. We all want answers! It is a given that we are curious to find out what is going on within us. And I’ll say something that one is probably not supposed to say as a therapist, “I wish I DID have the answers” perhaps better said: I wish I had the ability to quickly allow other people to find the exact answers they want for themselves. I really do. I wish I had THE right answer for each person that comes with insight, introspection, and curiosity. I would love to place my magic-therapy-wand (patent pending) upon their heads and grant them the wish of pure personal understanding.

I’m not morally or ethically opposed to the idea of helping this way. The reason being is that I believe that the answers differs for each person. I have yet to see any person exactly match the other in how they come to understanding of themselves and the world around them. That is what is awesome and frustrating about how insight and choice works.

There is no right answer that works for everyone. Even as you read this, there are people who will differ with the premise that there is no specific answer for everyone. See what I mean? What works for you may not work for another. You can have shared values, ideas, and methods of expression and still come to your path in a totally unique way.

So when you come into therapy and hear me tell you that I can’t give you the “right answer” I’m not just pulling out a therapy cliché.  It is true. I don’t think that I can nor should provide the answer as to who you are and what you want and how to get there (save the magic wand possibilities now being tested in a secret lab). It is up to each person to dive deep, discover your own personal ethos, and move ahead in the face of it all.

Embrace that you may not have the answers right now… but that part of the adventure is seeking for them!

We are all in transition

Within a therapy sessions, I work with many clients that are transgender and in various stages of transition. There is often an assumption that one has to know exactly who they are and how they want to express as they come to term with their authentic self. I respectfully disagree with this premise.

I’m not sure if I know anyone that feels they are 100% certain of who they are, what they like, and how they want to express themselves. It is possible that those people exist and I would enjoy talking with them. However, I have found that pretty much all of us are in transition.

One doesn’t have be trans, genderqueer, open, poly, into kink, interesex, lesbian, asexual, gay, or lesbian to be confused by the landscape of who you are or are becoming.  Those individuals that are in transition have a leg up on everyone else, I will admit.  They have the wonderful curiosity of looking at themselves and the world around them outside of tidy little boxes.

Don’t get me wrong, our current societal norms make it a tough road for trans individuals to feel comfortable. However, they have this amazing part of them, that pushes beyond to discover who they are and want to be.  How glorious is it to conquer your own preconceived notions, challenge the status quo, and have the courage to live your life openly and fully!

Being transgender requires so much strength, directness, ability to navigate fear,s and live your life in a totally honest way. It isn’t easy to brave the hardship of being rejected or ridiculed…we all are scared of this.  Most of us  do whatever we can to not openly draw attention to ourselves because we are so afraid of this. And yet, someone in transition has to take on these fears head on daily. Impressive!

This is the point, we are all in transition. We are all a work in progress. We all are learning to tackle our fears as gracefully as possible.